Honest words? Rhyming was present, flow had potential but I feel like you weren't aware of the momentum of the flow enough. Like, the pack of beer/fashion weird part was the most fluid part of the beginning portion. More flow structuring like that, less of the of the "thats when i figured out that i didnt need em" structure as that one was too wordy & broke the momentum of the flow.
After that there was less examples of this, and my only feedback would be to include more creative writing impact and less rhyming with no real crescendo just to rhyme, doesnt work out with the more basic one-to-three syllable rhyming you were utilizing.
p cool keep active on here, best place to better your craft honestly.
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