2013 GC: RD2 - padded cell Vs Punk Vs mcjewfro(Mcjewfro Wins 3-0) Runner up Padded Ce

padded cell Vs Punk Vs mcjewfro

This topical is part of the 2013 Topical Grand Championship

Rules
Verses are due Tuesday, November 26th.
Verses are to be posted in THIS thread.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Vote deductions will happen for people going over.
Voting is 3-0 KO, 3-1 TKO or first to 5.

Topic

padded cell Vs Punk Vs mcjewfro

This topical is part of the 2013 Topical Grand Championship

Rules
Verses are due Tuesday, November 26th.
Verses are to be posted in THIS thread.
There are NO EXTENSIONS.
Verses must be 20-30 lines long.
Vote deductions will happen for people going over.
Voting is 3-0 KO, 3-1 TKO or first to 5.

Topic

[padded cell]

he is in his own state of mind, remembering the past, a grown man now and a lot of time has passed
feeling cold and very placid, he gathers his fathers leather jacket and feels better when he grabs it
knocks out all of the lights in his home, a cop out, so he feels alright being alone
tripped the switch and flicked on his night light with intentional compassion
feeling content with the setting, he finds it memorable and relaxing
"remember when this scared the monsters away when you where an infant?"
the echo of his mothers voice bellowed reminiscent, "dear mother, yes i do!" he replied in an instant
within the silhouetted empty room, his voice travelled so distant, he gazed looking amazed into the ball of light
saw the childhood nights from all his life, his mothers face looked at him through the glare of the orb
wide eyed and open nosed he stared at the warmth, smiled, he shed a tear, "whats wrong child? mothers here"
"i miss you dear" he held the croak in his voice,"i wish you where here cause i can't cope with this choice"
"but we're here for you son, your fathers by my side, even though we've moved on, we're still partners in crime"
he cackled a joyful whimper as he caressed the light"Ive tackled this soulless venture, I'm so suppressed in life"
she was not there to listen though, he watched the glistened glow of the ball
slowly enthralled, he saw his life start as a baby, the orb exposing it all
the orb radiated with a glimmering flash, as he watched the moments of himself living the past
suddenly, the ball grew dim and started to disperse, breaking apart
he dropped it in a panic, the feeling emerged from his racing heart
he was aimless, grabbing thin air as the stars died in the night
became brainless, desperation made him go get high as a kite
he rushed and snuffed, huffed and puffed, drunk then sunk beside the unravelling night light
picked it up, looked into the globe tried balancing his mind right
he'd given up, his life was no showing, his mother was no longer there
there was only his own reflection, as he carried on and stared
watching the demise, the light continued chipping off, he saw the face he despised and felt like ripping off
tingles up his spine rushed, single mind fucked, asked himself three questions all about tonights buzz
"am i alone because my family are dead? am i dying because of these drugs i took to the head?
or maybe i should put two and two together instead?" he pondered his dishonours, "i am dead to my family because of my loved habits", staring in a daze at his fading face, "my family was my saving grace,
shedding light on my rough patches,now they drift away into the night like the people in my life, im a drug addict"

[padded cell]

he is in his own state of mind, remembering the past, a grown man now and a lot of time has passed
feeling cold and very placid, he gathers his fathers leather jacket and feels better when he grabs it
knocks out all of the lights in his home, a cop out, so he feels alright being alone
tripped the switch and flicked on his night light with intentional compassion
feeling content with the setting, he finds it memorable and relaxing
"remember when this scared the monsters away when you where an infant?"
the echo of his mothers voice bellowed reminiscent, "dear mother, yes i do!" he replied in an instant
within the silhouetted empty room, his voice travelled so distant, he gazed looking amazed into the ball of light
saw the childhood nights from all his life, his mothers face looked at him through the glare of the orb
wide eyed and open nosed he stared at the warmth, smiled, he shed a tear, "whats wrong child? mothers here"
"i miss you dear" he held the croak in his voice,"i wish you where here cause i can't cope with this choice"
"but we're here for you son, your fathers by my side, even though we've moved on, we're still partners in crime"
he cackled a joyful whimper as he caressed the light"Ive tackled this soulless venture, I'm so suppressed in life"
she was not there to listen though, he watched the glistened glow of the ball
slowly enthralled, he saw his life start as a baby, the orb exposing it all
the orb radiated with a glimmering flash, as he watched the moments of himself living the past
suddenly, the ball grew dim and started to disperse, breaking apart
he dropped it in a panic, the feeling emerged from his racing heart
he was aimless, grabbing thin air as the stars died in the night
became brainless, desperation made him go get high as a kite
he rushed and snuffed, huffed and puffed, drunk then sunk beside the unravelling night light
picked it up, looked into the globe tried balancing his mind right
he'd given up, his life was no showing, his mother was no longer there
there was only his own reflection, as he carried on and stared
watching the demise, the light continued chipping off, he saw the face he despised and felt like ripping off
tingles up his spine rushed, single mind fucked, asked himself three questions all about tonights buzz
"am i alone because my family are dead? am i dying because of these drugs i took to the head?
or maybe i should put two and two together instead?" he pondered his dishonours, "i am dead to my family because of my loved habits", staring in a daze at his fading face, "my family was my saving grace,
shedding light on my rough patches,now they drift away into the night like the people in my life, im a drug addict"

My future's in my palms, when it brightens up
it's verbally disturbed or irritated by the slightest touch
but I can't hide behind it blinded by problems *Life is rough*
So if i don't follow my heart it only means I lightened up.
My pride is fucked sometimes i close my hands & hit the pipe and gust
cause my emotions are on & off so frequently I like it shut.
My anger takes control and I just want my hands to tighten up
until the light is gone or I am strong enough to fight the bust.
I'm suddenly calm again, staring into my palms still vomitting
It's hounding me, And i finally realized that it's surrounding me.
can't be happy no more it woke me when i was sound asleep
to show me how my frown would soon go flying off the balcony.
I never believed, so i shut my hands and simply fall asleep
my dreams the only place where i matter so you can call it sweet.
These dark rooms get lonely when theres only a light
I can care less about faith i'm here to put up only a fight.
It feels like a lifetime but i need only a night
to decide my fate & destiny & you can sort out the rest of me
But all this time i thought i'd have something amazing worth the wait
I fell into my hands and found out that......it hurts to say.

My future's in my palms, when it brightens up
it's verbally disturbed or irritated by the slightest touch
but I can't hide behind it blinded by problems *Life is rough*
So if i don't follow my heart it only means I lightened up.
My pride is fucked sometimes i close my hands & hit the pipe and gust
cause my emotions are on & off so frequently I like it shut.
My anger takes control and I just want my hands to tighten up
until the light is gone or I am strong enough to fight the bust.
I'm suddenly calm again, staring into my palms still vomitting
It's hounding me, And i finally realized that it's surrounding me.
can't be happy no more it woke me when i was sound asleep
to show me how my frown would soon go flying off the balcony.
I never believed, so i shut my hands and simply fall asleep
my dreams the only place where i matter so you can call it sweet.
These dark rooms get lonely when theres only a light
I can care less about faith i'm here to put up only a fight.
It feels like a lifetime but i need only a night
to decide my fate & destiny & you can sort out the rest of me
But all this time i thought i'd have something amazing worth the wait
I fell into my hands and found out that......it hurts to say.

[Wonderbred]

Hands

The day I was born these hands were a blank slate
They learned to draw pictures and write stories, life was way great
They did all the work that earned me straight As through eighth grade
And saved my brother from drownin’ as he straight sank to the bottom of Gray Lake.

These hands worked their way to the top, even despite me
Thousands looked up to me, I founded a company with a degree from an Ivy
And every time a friend of mine needed some money
I held my hand out with a neat roll of twenties, shit, I was feedin’ the hungry.

But then my hands moved on to bigger, even better things
As they opened the box to give my girlfriend Stephanie a wedding ring
And guess what? She said yes to me, hands sweating out of ecstacy
That night my hand caressed her cheek as I pressed her chest to me...

Eventually I ended up in the maternity ward,
Hands shakin’ as I sat waitin’ for my first to be born
The doctor came and said, “It’s a girl, she’s yours…”
She never had a chance, she was worse than deformed
Days to live? The doc said she had two, three or four but it wouldn’t be more
Clenched my hands raw as I asked God, “How could my world be torn?”

I began feelin’ distressed, weak and depressed
Thought each day couldn’t get worse till I started seein’ the next
One day I walked in on a dude sleepin’ with Steph, I took the deepest of breaths
Started wringin’ his neck before these meat fists of flesh fuckin’ beat him to death.

These hands did twenty years before they got released
I went from the top elites to obsolete
My wrecked brain can accept pain but not defeat
Life is fuckin’ shitty, used to run this city, now I walk the streets.

I look to that day wishing I could’ve remained calmer and stiller
‘Cause God help me, these hands don’t belong a killer.

[Wonderbred]

Hands

The day I was born these hands were a blank slate
They learned to draw pictures and write stories, life was way great
They did all the work that earned me straight As through eighth grade
And saved my brother from drownin’ as he straight sank to the bottom of Gray Lake.

These hands worked their way to the top, even despite me
Thousands looked up to me, I founded a company with a degree from an Ivy
And every time a friend of mine needed some money
I held my hand out with a neat roll of twenties, shit, I was feedin’ the hungry.

But then my hands moved on to bigger, even better things
As they opened the box to give my girlfriend Stephanie a wedding ring
And guess what? She said yes to me, hands sweating out of ecstacy
That night my hand caressed her cheek as I pressed her chest to me...

Eventually I ended up in the maternity ward,
Hands shakin’ as I sat waitin’ for my first to be born
The doctor came and said, “It’s a girl, she’s yours…”
She never had a chance, she was worse than deformed
Days to live? The doc said she had two, three or four but it wouldn’t be more
Clenched my hands raw as I asked God, “How could my world be torn?”

I began feelin’ distressed, weak and depressed
Thought each day couldn’t get worse till I started seein’ the next
One day I walked in on a dude sleepin’ with Steph, I took the deepest of breaths
Started wringin’ his neck before these meat fists of flesh fuckin’ beat him to death.

These hands did twenty years before they got released
I went from the top elites to obsolete
My wrecked brain can accept pain but not defeat
Life is fuckin’ shitty, used to run this city, now I walk the streets.

I look to that day wishing I could’ve remained calmer and stiller
‘Cause God help me, these hands don’t belong a killer.

[Dirty Work]

First off, this was a really interesting battle to read, I enjoyed it a lot guys. One thing that can be boring when you have a three-way matchup, is when each writer has a similar story. By the time you get halfway through the third piece you're too exhausted to even finish it. In this battle though, each writer had a fresh idea, and none of it sucked, so that was groovy.

Padded Cell: You have the imagery thing going pretty well for you, and I liked the approach you took on the story. One thing I would say though, as far as the story goes, is that you dwelled on some of the concepts for too many lines, and didn't use enough lines to explain some of the other concepts. I think you should try harder to make sure each line contributes something new to the story, and try not to advance at an erratic pace. The rhythm and rhyme was decent, but I think you could have structured things a bit better. Overall, you definitely have the right idea, and I enjoyed this.

Punk: This was super creative, and definitely not your run-of-the-mill topical. I wish it had been a bit longer, and I wish there was more of a storyline to it. Even though you did top everything off at the end with a sort of conclusion to what was happening to your character, it was pretty much just pure imagery and metaphor as a whole. The flow was real nice, I'll give you that for sure, but some of the phrasing in your rhymes was a bit strange I have to say. That happens to everyone though, really, and it wasn't bad, just noticeable to me in a couple spots. Overall, it was a quite refreshing piece to read, just needs more of a story.

Mcjewfro: lmao, with a name like that, the quality of your piece was unexpected. First off, you had some very off-putting phrases. For example "life was way great." This wording makes perfect sense, but it just has a cheesy sound to it ya know? That being said, I can't fault you for anything else really. Flow was on point, rhymes were straight, and the imagery was there. Your story concept was easily the best of the three in my opinion, I loved it. I think you could have ended it better honestly, but when I thought about how I might have ended it, I couldn't come up with anything better right away lol. Overall, awesome approach, and decently executed story, with a touch of standout cheesiness in a few lines.

Vote: Mcjewfro

@Enfinite PM me if you're doing second place votes on this, it doesn't specify at the top

[Dirty Work]

First off, this was a really interesting battle to read, I enjoyed it a lot guys. One thing that can be boring when you have a three-way matchup, is when each writer has a similar story. By the time you get halfway through the third piece you're too exhausted to even finish it. In this battle though, each writer had a fresh idea, and none of it sucked, so that was groovy.

Padded Cell: You have the imagery thing going pretty well for you, and I liked the approach you took on the story. One thing I would say though, as far as the story goes, is that you dwelled on some of the concepts for too many lines, and didn't use enough lines to explain some of the other concepts. I think you should try harder to make sure each line contributes something new to the story, and try not to advance at an erratic pace. The rhythm and rhyme was decent, but I think you could have structured things a bit better. Overall, you definitely have the right idea, and I enjoyed this.

Punk: This was super creative, and definitely not your run-of-the-mill topical. I wish it had been a bit longer, and I wish there was more of a storyline to it. Even though you did top everything off at the end with a sort of conclusion to what was happening to your character, it was pretty much just pure imagery and metaphor as a whole. The flow was real nice, I'll give you that for sure, but some of the phrasing in your rhymes was a bit strange I have to say. That happens to everyone though, really, and it wasn't bad, just noticeable to me in a couple spots. Overall, it was a quite refreshing piece to read, just needs more of a story.

Mcjewfro: lmao, with a name like that, the quality of your piece was unexpected. First off, you had some very off-putting phrases. For example "life was way great." This wording makes perfect sense, but it just has a cheesy sound to it ya know? That being said, I can't fault you for anything else really. Flow was on point, rhymes were straight, and the imagery was there. Your story concept was easily the best of the three in my opinion, I loved it. I think you could have ended it better honestly, but when I thought about how I might have ended it, I couldn't come up with anything better right away lol. Overall, awesome approach, and decently executed story, with a touch of standout cheesiness in a few lines.

Vote: Mcjewfro

@Enfinite PM me if you're doing second place votes on this, it doesn't specify at the top

[SAND]

padded cell - your drop was cool. you had some nice imagery here and there, like this line: "the orb radiated with a glimmering flash": & I saw in my mind, and orb doing the exact same. I felt like, there were spots where you could've went into detail a bit more, so you kinda left me hanging. flow was iffy a couple of times but conceptually, this was dope.

Punk The God - your story was okay. it seemed a bit bland to me. you had nice flow & all but it seemed that was what you were only focused on. your substance count lacked for me.

mcjewfro - your drop was dope. it had a Joell Ortiz feel to it if you know what I mean. it was deep, flowed great, & it ended awesomely. "But then my hands moved on to bigger, even better things
As they opened the box to give my girlfriend Stephanie a wedding ring
And guess what? She said yes to me, hands sweating out of ecstacy
That night my hand caressed her cheek as I pressed her chest to me..." <--- That sealed the deal for me.

MVGT - mcjewfro (change your name, lmao)

[SAND]

padded cell - your drop was cool. you had some nice imagery here and there, like this line: "the orb radiated with a glimmering flash": & I saw in my mind, and orb doing the exact same. I felt like, there were spots where you could've went into detail a bit more, so you kinda left me hanging. flow was iffy a couple of times but conceptually, this was dope.

Punk The God - your story was okay. it seemed a bit bland to me. you had nice flow & all but it seemed that was what you were only focused on. your substance count lacked for me.

mcjewfro - your drop was dope. it had a Joell Ortiz feel to it if you know what I mean. it was deep, flowed great, & it ended awesomely. "But then my hands moved on to bigger, even better things
As they opened the box to give my girlfriend Stephanie a wedding ring
And guess what? She said yes to me, hands sweating out of ecstacy
That night my hand caressed her cheek as I pressed her chest to me..." <--- That sealed the deal for me.

MVGT - mcjewfro (change your name, lmao)

The three of you had COMPLETELY different takes on one piece. Which led me to enjoy this an awful lot.
Padded: I like the story. I felt it was a bit choppy due to the length of your lines. If you cut down the syllables per lines it really helps out the flow. Rhyming was decent, I would like to see a bit of imagery and color through vocab though, but overall it was a good piece.

Punk: Again you brought a good piece. The rhyming and flow was on point. The story was good. I just felt the imagery could of been kicked up a notch. You had good spots of imagery here and there but I wanted to see it throughout because I know you're good with it.

Mcjewfro: Overall was the best piece here. It had pretty much everything other than an extensive vocab. Flow was good, structure was good, imagery was decent, rhyming was good. Story progression was wonderful. Definitely didn't expect this out of you, it just edged it.
MVGT: Mcjewfro

And my runner up is going to be Punk!

The three of you had COMPLETELY different takes on one piece. Which led me to enjoy this an awful lot.
Padded: I like the story. I felt it was a bit choppy due to the length of your lines. If you cut down the syllables per lines it really helps out the flow. Rhyming was decent, I would like to see a bit of imagery and color through vocab though, but overall it was a good piece.

Punk: Again you brought a good piece. The rhyming and flow was on point. The story was good. I just felt the imagery could of been kicked up a notch. You had good spots of imagery here and there but I wanted to see it throughout because I know you're good with it.

Mcjewfro: Overall was the best piece here. It had pretty much everything other than an extensive vocab. Flow was good, structure was good, imagery was decent, rhyming was good. Story progression was wonderful. Definitely didn't expect this out of you, it just edged it.
MVGT: Mcjewfro

And my runner up is going to be Punk!

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